Love is an illusion. I'm sure it's a self illusion. An illusion that I'm important to someone, someone who I'm interested in, which gives the other person a similar illusion.
However we need such an illusion in the beginning of a relation and possibly during enough long time to leave a persistant memory or feeling. We also need to be willing to take risks because usually we don't know each other very well when this happens.
I believe I don't want to take risks in this area. When I meet a potential partner I look for reasons not to start any relation and it seems I always find such a reason. Since I hate to fail I'm typically looking for a man I can't get or at least not for a very long time. Some large obstacle is always there. To meet someone who is in the right age, the right location, the same style, someone who would be perfect "on paper" is stressful. Such a person could reveal that the fault is on me.
In the same way I believe I'm afraid I will get a new job and fail. I still remember when I got a job and I could feel how the colleague I was going to work with disliked me from day one. We did not know each other but still I did not get a chance. What if that happens again?
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Completely nuts or...?
