Old eyes

I might look like a fool
and behave like an idiot
but I've become good at
grasping things like
who is influencing
who is having an hidden agenda

I wished I had not been trained
to see such things
but unfortunately I have

Autumn day

One of those days, when everything feels sad
Looking for and finding small nice things
But not enough to get me out of my mood
A sad feeling

Nothing works and it all get worse
No relation feels good
Tracked in a bad circle
Close to tears

Is there any joy
Don't feel any whatsoever
Best would be to hide

Sounds great
Sleep tight
Tomorrow is a new one
So far spoiled..

Impressions from your first date

You have asked a wonderful woman out for a date. She's in your age.
You know she is in the same situation and you have some things in common.

When you meet her you watch her shoes instead of looking her in the eye.
Your focus on shoes makes her realize how short you are and how you probably don't like to feel short beside a women wearing high heels.

You walk her to a restaurant and you order and pay for your drink at the bar.
She draws the conclusion that you don't think she is worth a drink. She can also see that you have been taking a drink at home in advance. Alcohol is expensive in Sweden, especially at restaurants and bars and you are obviously careful with your money.

Since you want to show your date who you are, you start by telling her the story of your life, including how you met your ex-wife and a summary of all the quarrels you two have had. You also describe some funny ideas you have when it comes to bringing up children, like how you made a lot of money by letting your child at an early age play instruments in the subway.

You ask your date what she wants to do with her life, and in return you give her an in depth description of your plans to buy a one room cottage in archipelago without electricity and tap water some day. Most important to you is to avoid hard work and anything that needs maintenance.

You brag about how many friends you have and even include former girlfriends. You describe your relations to a few female friends, how you evaluate them, compare them and spend vacations with them one after another on a rented boat. Your date believes you needed someone to take care of the household and share the bill with. She doesn't feel tempted to compete with those women on sharing the bill and washing the dishes.

You ask your date some questions about her life and give her an extensive description of what you value and expect from a future partner.

The wonderful woman returns home in the summer evening feeling both sad and awkward. She would have wanted you to show how you can make her laugh. In case you would have been Mr Right for her, would this date have been something memorable to look back upon as the very first time you met each other?

But on the other hand, she is actually quite happy for the lesson on what behavior and subjects you should avoid on your first date with a wonderful person. Maybe your date doesn't want to hear about your entire life and all your problems, and maybe she doesn't want to give out details about her life. How can you fall in love with someone if all you talk about are serious matters like what experience, what requirements and what expectations you have on your future parter?

Consensus

A person has told me several times "you are the only one with that opinion" as if it would matter to me.
First of all, unless he is a mindreader, how does he know what opinion everybody else has?
Secondly, even if I was the only one of earth having an opinion, wouldn't make a difference to me, on the contrary.
If I have the ability to think differently than the lot, I'm happy. If I see things for a different angle I contribute. Consensus isn't my bag.

Married FB couples

Married couples who live together, who meet every day
why do they have to communicate via facebook?
We all believe they live happily together,
why are they stating it officially every day?
(it's true, every single day)
I'm starting to get suspicious.
Is one of them showing off, reminding or demonstrating the territory.
Or don't they remember how to talk the old fashion way..?
Whatever reason, don't write "kisses" to your mate every day,
if you aren't asking for advice on how to exercise it in IRL.

No wallflower

I love music, and I dancing is great fun
The couple dancing thing makes it all complicated
I don't get happy by watching other people dance
On the contrary, I get miserable
To hear the music and not being allowed to dance
Just because nobody asked me to
What is this? Nineteenth century?

Not impossible

Nothing is impossible. Not even things that seems absolutely unlikely to happen.
It's possible to do things  with your life. To improve it. To reach whatever goals you have.
I just found out that a person finally had courage to do something he had wanted to do for many years.
I'm happy for him.
It seems he has actually reached many of his goals.
So, just set goals and starts reaching them!

I didn't get the meaning

First day in the office after my vacation.
A rainy vacation where I've been renovating my apartment and made a journey which wasn't completely successful.
Today I've come to the conclusion that I need to raise earlier in order to get to work earlier, so I can leave earlier, in order to go to bed earlier, so I can get up early in order to be early...
What is the meaning of life?

A pray

Life gets empty without joy.
To much pressure can damage your brain.
Positiv social interaction is crucial.

Common knowledge, isn't it?

More than one person I love have life problems. It is difficult to know what to do. I try my best.
Sometimes I realize I made some mistake when it's already a fact.

Please, transform me into a person who can heal others. Now!

Argumentation

Today I'm thinking of emigrating again
To another country, in some other part of the world
Or maybe there isn't one that would fit

Sometimes I argue and don't give up
If someone tells me I'm wrong when I know I'm right
then I don't give in, everybody knows that

This is Sweden. Everybody should agree
I wasn't mean of nasty, I just argued
What a terrible crime

Guess I don't have any authority
Maybe it's because I'm a woman
or because of my ways
I don't respect myself much
either.

I must practice pretending to listen
to not pay any attention
hide my feelings
and not care.

Stay cool and be happy.

My plan

My plan is to stay single for ever. I will enjoy not having to cook, not having to share, not having to compromise. I don't need to learn to play golf if I don't want to. I don't need to learn yoga if I don't feel like it. I don't need to be social to anybodies family who might not like me, isn't that something to envy?
I can do whatever I want. I don't need consider anyone else's wishes or plans. And I'm turning into an old woman, so soon I can travel anywhere I want without being afraid of being raped. Old women are invisible. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do or to criticize me. If anybody does, I don't need to care. An old woman can be how crazy or stupid as she wants. I don't need to ask anyone before I buy something. I can buy whatever I think I can afford. It's up to me.
I'm going to take that idea out of my head, that I will meet someone. I don't need anyone. This is my life. Others have theirs.

Only one sense

A big jasmine outside in the garden with flowers.
Can't feel any of the fragrance.
The same feeling as...
Never mind

Change

The bad situation in my life with all the worries suddenly changed. I'm grateful for that.
Now there just normal stuff to take care of. Just hard work and everyday things. For now. For today.

Carpet feeling

If people would ask you to lay flat on the floor and walk all over you, what would you think about it? Don't know about you but it gets me in the mood of fighting. Guess I have to win over that feeling. This is not the stone age.

Fear

The truth is
I'm afraid
Of the future
The darkest of tunnels
Might wait ahead
Not sure I will manage
But of course
Somehow
I have to
Besides
We are alone
Always
Aren't we?

Should be happy

I should be happy
because I've not met the right one yet
I should be happy
because I'm not stuck with the wrong guy
I should be happy
that I can choose my own company
I should be really happy
some other nice day.

Solitude

I need someone by my side. I feel it strongly. But the space is never filled.
You should be happy on your own. You shouldn't depend on someone else, I'm told.
I've been single for a decade.
Nobody to share things with. Social media won't do.
Without anyone who cares. Without someone to love.
And so many things I don't do, until we are two.
I don't think things get easier.
Life can be lived happily. Or unhappily.
Or just pass in solitude.

A pale reminder

He said I touched his hart
But he totally fell apart

I had just been a pale
reminder how he failed
to make the right one stay

Maybe life is fair
I did leave one in dispair
Did someone then be
A pale reminder of me

Short

A day passes by, a night too.
Time passes by, life too.
I'm waiting for something to happen.
There are things I don't want to loose.
So better wish it's something good.

Almost Sunday evening

Working from home. Feels like Sunday eventing, but it is not. It has been a long weekend.
What if I had been working instead of relaxing and having a good time, then would I have been better off tomorrow?
Don't think so. Then I might have been a grumpy woman.

Being good

There is a difference. Some people try their best to be good. Bless them, or what you say...

Others believe they are good already, or don't care.

I wish to keep the goodies as my friends if possible.

I wish I fell in love with a good man.

I wish I was good too. Always.

The selfish mother

Everybody is egoistic. All humans are selfish. All you want is to feel good. 

When you help someone you do it because you want to feel helpful. I'm told.

I'm a single mother. Did shopping, cooking, doing the laundry really make me feel good all those years?

Whatever. It's not what I want to hear. 

Thank you.

Worries

Can worrying ever be a positive thing?
If you find solutions to problems, or if you manage to do something to avoid coming problems, then worrying might be useful..?
Or is worrying just a negative thing, that one should try to avoid, try to stop doing?
Some people pray when they are worried.  Some people send good thoughts.
Maybe such focusing is a useful after all?

Used to dishonest people

I think I've been around too long in a world of people acting as politicians. I don't think I'm political myself, but I tend to worry about how people will use things against me, blame things on me in order to look good themselves or have a hidden agenda. Why? Because it has happened to me before.
I suspect that people I meet have hidden agendas, especially if they are smart. Not my friends, of course, but others.

Recently someone held that against me. This way of thinking. The fact that I don't always trust people the way I used to. I pointed out that it was necessary for sales people to understand people's objectives. We didn't agree on that either. It could just lead to misunderstandings if you jump to the wrong conclusions. Well, sure.

Now I'm in such a situation. A person is saying one thing but I suspect a hidden agenda.  In what why can it be a problem to be aware of the possibility of people not speaking their minds?

Looking for a good laugh

I was to the theater watching a comedy and heard some people laugh out loud. Well, I just smiled. 

When I came home my son told me about the conversation at a dinner party he had been to. "It was a bit like geniuses speculating, but more like idiots speculating". 

Finally I cracked up.

Communication

Have you heard about one of the theories on personal chemistry? Well, the one I've heard explains that personal chemistry is all about communication. If we have a similar way to communicate or not, when it comes to speed and level of details. Maybe those things are important, but I believe your previous experiences shouldn't be forgotten, your backpacker, what kind of people you are used to and what things you fear or have bad experience from.

Communication can be difficult, yet I think it's one of the best things in life. When I get to share another persons thoughts, ideas, point of view. Don't you think so? A pretty stupid thing to write on a blog isn't it?

Do you prefer to watch TV before some kind of communication? If you know the thoughts of they people you have contact with and you know that their thoughts won't interest you, or if they simply don't wish to share their minds with you. If you are tired of your own thoughts you might use the TV to give you some new pictures in your head, at least temporarily without having to communicate. It works, just like reading does.

These days I've got a child around who are big enough to start interesting discussions. It makes me extremely happy.

Today thoughts

To the world:
"if you don't give me any compliments, I won't feel appreciated"
"if you don't give me any credit, I won't think you see any of my efforts"
"if you don't show me there is a reason to love me, I won't feel lovable"

Need to give some compliments, some credit and make people feel they are lovable..
Maybe I will get some back?!

Parents, teens and being a mother

I met my parents the other day. Then I discussed with my son how much we are products of our childhood.

Yes, he said, I can see that you're trying to do things differently. Differently compared to how you were brought up. But it is still a reaction. Either you are like your parents even though you don't realize it or you do completely differently and then it's a reaction. 

He also tried to explain things that makes him do the opposite as a reaction. I guess the learning is just to try something else, without comparing with my own teen hood.

I still can't tell my parents what mistakes they have done. Now they are too old. I just have to keep trying being a mother. It must be better to try, do mistakes than to not do anything...?

Blues

Let's face it, life is a bitch. With that as a baseline you can do a lot. Enjoy things and feel happy about all kind of things.
I think I need someone to balance my bluesy view upon life, because I can't imagine I will change that much.
For the moment I feel sick. It feels like a familiar sickness as when I was a kid.
Do I know how to play a blues?

A too boring life to be a role model

How can I explain to a teenager that going to school is necessary in order to get a good life?
How can I demonstrate what a good life is and a bad one?
How can I make it clear that there will be more options in life with an education?
How can I demonstrate what options there will be and what difference they will make?
How can I persuade anyone to follow in my footsteps and to study in order to get an interesting job?
I don't live a particularly interesting life. I always work. I don't have a high salary. I don't live fancy.
I spend my spare time washing, cleaning and cooking. I spend some of my time trying to get in shape. I've got a vacation a few weeks a year, and occasionally I spend a week abroad in another climate. Sometimes I go out and have fun but that's not very often. I'm getting older.
I'm definitely not a good role model for a teen ager.
"You live a shitty life. Why would I like to be like you?"

Bright and easy? Fool!

For a while I got the impression that life was bright and easy. Well, I just wasn't aware of the problems.
I'm sure everybody who hears about it, has got a solution. How many people did I tell? How many people did they tell. So how many people know about the issue. Must be plenty of solutions by now. Never mind people.

Who said life should be bright and easy?

Don't worry stay cool

"All those things that you are afraid of will eventually happen. Most things turn out to be less scary than you imagined, and the rest you didn't know anything about. So don't worry, just stay cool."

Too late to travel

I had a plan. To travel. My plan was to show my children the world. It didn't happen.
If you ask them they think we have been traveling, because we did some traveling in Europe. I always thought we would do the rest of the world some other time. Oh, but yes I forget, we were in Asia once.

Why didn't I travel? What did I wait for? I think I waited for a parter to show up, because I didn't want to take them to unknown places that could be unsafe. Well, guess I'm a coward.

And I hate charter. Isn't group journeys an insult to a grown up intelligent person? To be treated like sheep. To be brought somewhere, put somewhere, told something and even entertained. All you can do is to enjoy it or to complain. No room for own decision except when you want to go to sleep, what on the menu you want to eat and when to take a bath.

I did teach my children something. I did teach them that traveling is an adventure and you have all the freedom in the world to decide where to stay, where to eat, where to go, what to do, and what to see. One of my children went on a journey with a friends family. When he came back he was surprised that they didn't explore anything, not even the backside of the hotel. He said that I had taught them to at least explore the neighborhood and that he appreciated that. Or maybe he just wanted to make me happy.

However. Now it's too late. If I ask if they want to travel somewhere they say "with you?".

I'm afraid I'll wake up one day and find out that I didn't live, because I was waiting to find a man. And then it will be too late. Doesn't seem like a good plan, does it?

A tired single mother in a boring kitchen

A tired woman in a boring kitchen who is being interviewed about her problematic teenagers. That's my picture of a single mother.

I never wanted to become a single mother in a boring kitchen. It wasn't my plan. But now I'm there. My face looks tired in the mirror. Any problem of my children is my fault. I am not kidding. If they do well they have good genes.

Everything I do is wrong. But I actually do remember what it was like to be a teenager. It was pretty awful. What can I do to help? Do I do the right things?

No, I don't. Because I'm living my own life, with my own issues.

Now I can replace the picture of the single mother in the boring kitchen with a picture of myself, a tired mother who has gotten used to take own decisions and to get all the blame.

Hanging in the air

Sometimes I prefer writing to talking. Especially when the person I'd like to communicate with isn't around. But if you meet someone face to face and ask a question, you usually get some sort of answer.
There is nothing I hate more than writing to someone in an important matter and not getting any answer.

It is hard to read people's minds. Especially at a distance. It is very difficult to guess what someone was thinking when they have read my mail and decided not to answer. Didn't they know the answer, didn't they think it was a relevant question, didn't I express myself clear enough, did they think the question was stupid or do they think I'm insane? Or did they just not prioritize to answer? When it comes to everyday issues I might forget what I was writing about. But sometimes it feels like my question is hanging in the air, unanswered.

I do hate when managers don't bother to answer questions that are important to me. Guess I have too high expectations.

A bitch or a girl?

Of course I know women and men are treated differently. But this is the first time in my life I work with men who don't bother to hide how they count women's work completely different from men's work.

A fairly young man who expresses "oh, I'm in a meeting with only women" and afterwards to a male colleague "you should have heard them, those women how they went on" has he only been working with men before? Another man is talking about a couple of women having responsibility as "the girls" while he respectfully uses the name of the man in the same organization who has got less responsibility.

It's a feeling. I am meeting an attitude that I'm not used to meet. Am I really not used to it? Maybe I'm just older and notices details. Maybe I just want some respect.

What their attitude does to me? I get focused. I play their game. I try to be a man in their world.

I'm rather a bitch than a girl.

My life as an e-consumer

It seems 2012 is the year when I'm seriously becoming an e-citizen. I've a using an internet bank for ages, but earlier I bought things in stores, talking to a sales person and touching the goods. These are my surprising experiences so far.

Going to stores and ask for particular books is a waste of time nowadays. Since most people order books online they don't keep a large selection in the stores any longer. The other day, when I ordered two packages of books made of papers in a famous online store, I realized that the delivery of the books was completely different. The large package was quickly delivered to a tobacco, and I received an SMS when I could fetch it. The smaller package was sent by snailmail and I first received an SMS when the post received the package. It took five more days before I received another SMS telling me that the package had arrived. I guess the postman had to bring it out to my door and to find out that the package was too large to get through my door. I rather get my stuff quickly delivered somewhere I can fetch it.

I also needed to upgrade some of my whitegoods for the kitchen. After looking around I knew what functionality I wanted and also what particular brands I preferred. Asking for those items in the stores gave me funny answers. Two different chains they told me one item wasn't possible to buy in that particular combination of brand and features, and the other item would be terrible expensive and not as good as the stuff they had in the store. 

The truth was that the first item was possible to buy online and it was even a sales success in an online store. The other item I found in one of the chains online store, and it turned out not to be at all that expensive (30% of the price they told me) and to have better technical features than the stuff they tried to sell me in both stores. 

The conclusion is that it is safer to buy things online, where you can compare functionality, prices and availability than in old fashioned stores where sales people just try to sell whatever they have. I feel sorry for the old people who still go to stores and for the innocent consumers who trust sales people to tell the truth. 

How to speed up long meetings

Today I was invited to a two hour meeting to discuss something I'm interested in. Something I've been driving, without having the formal authority to actually make it happen. However I didn't want to discuss it for two hours. I knew the questions that would be raised, and I knew exactly what the outcome should be; some decisions. So I prepared and asked if I could run the meeting.

We need to take a few decisions, I said. This is the first thing we need to decide upon and here are the alternatives... Do you know what happened? Were people happy for my preparation, so they didn't sit around and discuss for hours?

Guess...
One person objected "first we need to define the words, what do we mean with... ".
There is nothing I hate more than people who want to define the words. Most of the time everybody know very well the meaning of normal words.

The same person didn't want to take a simple decision without claiming "we don't have a strategy for this". A strategy means that consensus is needed which usually includes other people who aren't present.

Well, the meeting took less than an hour.
Next time I'll make sure to bring Swedish Academy's Dictionary, if someone feels like discussing the meaning of words...

Networking...??

Today I've found out that networking isn't really my bag. A person I know from a women's network asked me out for lunch. It was pretty nice, but when I think about it she actually managed to explain that she didn't want to be my friend, and she didn't appreciate my ways. She still thought I should help her to increase her business! It seems nowadays people want to see me because I've got a job. I rather meet with those who tried to help me when I was looking for an employment.