Looking at ads and dreaming a bit

Looking at the ads for luxury homes they deliver for free on Saturdays. What would it feel like to have the possibility to buy one of those estates or fancy apartments? Rather an apartment with a good location compared to a large estate in the countryside.

I've never lived central in the city. It would be nice. Must do that sometime, while I still enjoy to eat at a restaurant or go shopping. Before I become a crippled old lady with a stick who keeps my handbag in a firm grip because I'm afraid of being robbed.

I get cheered up when I go to the city, just by all the people. Hopefully I get used to the noise, and all the cars, where I live today it's very quiet.

Anyway, I don't have the possibility to move for the moment.

I remember a guy I was talking to some months ago. He liked the fact that I said I wasn't interested to know how wealthy people are when I get to know them. Maybe I should have told him that I do care about how generous people are. What's the benefit of being together with someone who is rich but cheap? I do remember he didn't even buy me a glass of water when we met.

The best thing is to own things oneself.

I used to have a large house and access to a great summer place. What was great with the summer place wasn't just the location and the look. You could feel the history, and earlier generations in the walls and in the garden. I also liked the lack of expectations, nobody told me what to do so I could run my own projects. I remember things like making a sandbox for the kids, planting roses, picking apples, cutting bushes, making new curtains and I had some hopeless project to make a sand beach for the kids.

I should have bought my own little place when I had the chance once, then I would still have somewhere to go in the summer.

Never mind, the everyday living is more important. Maybe I should start by fixing some things in this apartment? Or maybe it's better I make sure I get an income.

Worry

I'm worried and get nothing done. Nothing apart from things I'd written down on a list. Maybe you know the feeling?

I tried to analyze what was wrong and come up with a couple of things. I even went for a walk in the sun. It didn't help.

Now I know what's wrong. I'm waiting for someone to find out that I'm not good enough. I'm not the right person for a job. Again. When will I be....?

hello again world

I'm still around. I just don't have anything to share.

Any cloud?

Everytime I think I'll get a job soon I get happy. (My family knows what happens every time I don't get one I expect to get.)

When I had a job I wasn't very happy... well, not that happy.

Having a coffe in the sunshine makes me happy. Or drive the car listening to music, or do my favourite sport.

The only cloud I see for the moment is my jobblessness. Otherwise the sky would be all blue!

Let's pretend...

Divorce if you will be happy alone!

A woman told me in confidence that she was planning to divorce her husband.
"If your husband isn't appreciating you, I fully understand your plans" I told her, but I also made her aware of the situation in this town. There are lots and lots of single women who don't find any new love, or at least not a love that lasts. "Don't expect to live in a relation, you might very well be alone for the rest of your life".

"If you're husband is mean to you I definitely think you should divorce him" I said, but you should also remember that your small children will be sad for years. Your divorce will remove the happiness from their lives, unless you and your husband both get much more happy than you are today.

"Hope you're not divorcing because you think you will get a more social life" I warned her, unless you know a lot of single women. The Swedish married woman isn't born who invites another single woman in her family and at her parties, especially not if there is a risk that a man might find the single woman attractive. And you can't have male friends as a single woman, forget it, even if you are old friends. If the man is married his wife will hate you. You can only socialize with other women, like having coffee together in the afternoon, unless you know other single women of course.

I told her to go ahead with her divorce, but she had to be aware of the risk of becoming completely alone. Next time I met her, she had given her husband a new chance.

Socializing on the phone?

Someone is calling me up. That's welcome. Well, most of the time it is. I know I shouldn't complain, but why does it sometime make me feel disappointed?

If the person calling is a person I haven't spoken to for months, but still he doesn't ask how I'm doing, how the kids are doing, how is the progress of ... whatever activity I'm involved in. He just asks a specific question, talks about it and then hangs up, with some excuse like "I need to hang up because just arrived to....". I find that annoying especially if there are a lot of things I would like to talk to this person about. Maybe it's a male way of using the phone, I don't know.

If the same things happen with a person I've not seen for ages and the person first spends a fairly long time talking about common things and then clears the throat and explains the reason for calling, I feel stupid. Especially if I believe I won't hear from the person until the next time there is a question I might be able to answer. Could that be women's way of calling?

I prefer that people tell me the reason why they called me as soon as possible, so I know what's up, but then it's fun if they have some time to be social too. Otherwise, maybe they didn't pick the right time to call, if they have a good excuse after two minutes. Socializing shouldn't be an inconvenient necessity, but because the person wants to!

No perfectionism...

I'm so tired of perfectionism. Why is perfectionism expected when there are no perfect human beings?

I'm not at all perfect. Sometimes I miss a letter or a digit or a point when I write. You are aware of that if you read this blog. I often make small mistakes, but I try to correct them as soon as I see them. Unfortunately it also happens in my CV. That's so unnecessary. Why am I so careless? I take a stupid risk, by not reading things three times before I send it off. But I have never had any plans to start a career in surgery where I could risk people's lives.

They say they want creative people who are risktakers. But everyone should of course also be perfect and always systematic, planned and with 100% control of all details.

People say if you forget to turn off your mobile phone when you are in an interview and you get a call, you don't get the job. It happened to me. Twice. Don't know if that was the reason I didn't get the job. If that was the case, it must have been because I probably looked like I was going to kill the person who called. Twice.

To pastime or to experience...

I watched "Sense and sensibility" once more. Isn't it fascinating that I spent my youth reading romantic novels about impossible love, good and evil, richness and poverty in all kinds of historical English environments? I think it is.

I remember reading lot's of criminal novels too. Therefor I don't understand people who still read such things. To watch them of TV is OK, but to spend time reading them?

I remember when I started to read classical novels written by world famous writers. Someone made me look stupid. I realized I wasn't "educated" enough, so I spent years reading old stuff.

Since I did spend my youth reading, I'm a bit skeptical about spending too much reading. Maybe it depends on the options.

Some people assume I spend to much time watching TV when being unemployed. How funny. As a matter of fact I've been spending less time watching TV, because I've not been tired after work. Now I watch because I'm bored. Like the rest of the world, I assume.

Not yet on the floor

It seems everybody has given up on me. First of all they don't think I'll get a job. Apparently a bunch of people also don't think I will be successful once I get one.

I am not used to ask people for help. I hate it. You would be surprised if you knew what I have managed on my own during the years.

I will get a job too. Maybe with the help of complete strangers, some luck and hard work. I have obviously not been trying hard enough. Can't blame anyone else, can I?
Just watch me. I'll succeed.

Me - a basket player?

At school I had a teacher who loved basketball. She taught us how to play, and we practiced quite a lot. My dad who is a tall man also used to play basket. He had made a basket in a tree where I used to practice in the summer. At school I was the one who made the goals, despite my small size. I was actually the shortest and tiniest in my class. One of my friends who was much bigger used to dribble across the ground and then pass me so I could make the goal.

Since I made the goals, I started to believe I could play basket.

When we had moved to a new stage in another school, at one of those days where they whole school is doing different sport activities, I did choose to play basket. If the other girls in my class had been taller and bigger than me, the girls who played basket at this school were huge compared to me. They were older and much taller. My self confidence disappeared completely when everything was happening over my head. Since they didn't think I was useful to them they never passed me the ball! I hardly touched the ball during the game, and the few times I did, nothing good came out of it.

At that sport day I realized that basket was not my game. I knew I was completely useless without my friend who passed me and made it possible for me to make the goals.

Sometimes a specific talent has to be in the right environment in order to be beneficial, isn't that so? You just need to figure out what your talent is and in which environment it is most useful...

Ex

I've started to admit to myself that I do miss my ex boyfriend. I'm not saying that he was the love of my life, or rater I do hope he wasn't, because then I wouldn't have anything to look forward to. But I miss him.

There were certain things about that guy that I appreciated, so now I'm looking at men I meet and trying to figure out if they are anything like him. The guy had feeling. That's not something you can learn. I just need to get a friendly hug by a man to know. If he treats me like a piece of wood..

None of my former boyfriends were mean. I can easily imagine what it would be to share my time with a mean person. Terrible.

I guess all single men do the same. They compare all women they meet with their exes. I'm sure I'm not behaving like any ex. Especially not when I stare at them trying to figure out how they are...

Need to stop being afraid

Love is an illusion. I'm sure it's a self illusion. An illusion that I'm important to someone, someone who I'm interested in, which gives the other person a similar illusion.

However we need such an illusion in the beginning of a relation and possibly during enough long time to leave a persistant memory or feeling. We also need to be willing to take risks because usually we don't know each other very well when this happens.

I believe I don't want to take risks in this area. When I meet a potential partner I look for reasons not to start any relation and it seems I always find such a reason. Since I hate to fail I'm typically looking for a man I can't get or at least not for a very long time. Some large obstacle is always there. To meet someone who is in the right age, the right location, the same style, someone who would be perfect "on paper" is stressful. Such a person could reveal that the fault is on me.

In the same way I believe I'm afraid I will get a new job and fail. I still remember when I got a job and I could feel how the colleague I was going to work with disliked me from day one. We did not know each other but still I did not get a chance. What if that happens again?